Here I am thinking of what I would say to me…..if I wasn’t me.
I finally completed my first marathon.( that is one positive thing to report).It was supposed to be in December but the St. Jude Marathon in Memphis was cancelled on account of bad weather.I originally thought I would do New Orleans but, lo and behold, it was Nashville this past weekend.My initial goal was to finish, which I did.Was I happy with my time? Well,it wasn’t anything to write home about, a modest 4:57:02. Next time, I hope to improve.I am impressed with myself that I followed my instincts, hydrated and fueled properly, and didn’t injure myself. It was a stunning spring day with full sun.The down side to this was by about mile 14 , it was beginning to feel a little warm out there.I felt like I was starting to bake.There was a girl not far from MetroCenter that I passed and though she seemed visibly younger and in decent shape, she was limping painfully.I thought,” Uh, oh.Note to self…” Aside from sore quads, I finished the race unscathed.
One thing you realize when running a marathon is that you are not alone.There are some who are faster, some who are slower, but you are certainly NOT ALONE.I was waiting about 40 minutes in the cue just to get started.Lots of people run marathons.There were more runners doing the half marathon from what I could see but there were all kinds of people there.I even passed a sweaty white Elvis on the way ( pretty impressive).I had read somewhere that I should have my name written on my person somewhere but I didn’t.That’s okay, the spectators had it figured out.They held up signs that said ” GO RANDOM STRANGER”.That was me.
Now that I am back in town, I am in the midst of a personal crisis.I have to meet with my boss tomorrow about a complaint and I am not taking it well.It is the second one in a few weeks.What am I doing wrong? It isn’t like I am not trying.Do I like my job? Sometimes. I try to be conscientious and work hard. Most times I am just glad it pays my bills( barely).I think I am being found out.This is a bigger dilemma than just my job.It is my life.At the present moment, the things I am most passionate about are not what’s keeping a roof over my head and food on the table.I have been trying to work it out but I feel like I am on borrowed time.
I am angry, deep down.Am I angry at my boss? Not really.I can see her side.Hey, if momma is not happy, aint nobody happy.I get it. I guess I am angry at God.
God what am I doing wrong?
Why am I stuck in this place? Where is the open door? What is the solution?
I realized at that moment that I didn’t have any faith for my situation. None at all.I seem to be hitting the wall.I have been in this place time and time again and I have yet to overcome it.It is like seeing the marker for mile 20 and wondering how I am ever going to make it to the finish line.
So okay, what would it be like if I was talking to another person? What if the random stranger really was me?
For one thing,I am not alone.Everyone goes through a period of failure, confusion, discontent and doubt.Most times, it is the segway to something better.It can’t last forever.Keep moving forward.
At this moment I am on my porch and my cat is sittng besides me.We are trying to make her an outdoor cat.Why? Because she has destroyed countless items and furniture by marking them.Yes, I have tried all the usual remedies for removing the scent but she finds new things to destroy.Today was the last straw.She doesn’t want to be an outdoor cat, though.The neighbor’s cat bullies her.What’s odd is that they look like twins.Same size, same color, everything.
I guess we are in a similar place.It reminds me of what a coworker told me years ago. “Anne, ” he said, “I feel like you haven’t been able to piss and mark your territory, you know what I mean?” I think I do now. We can’t help but to want to mark our territory but it may not be ours to mark and yet still don’t want to go outside.
My comfort zone, if there was such a thing, is shrinking.
One thing I learned from my marathon training was that you can’t push through ” the wall”. You can only dismantle it, brick by brick, moment by moment, and step by step.
So okay random stranger, what now?
RUN YOUR OWN RACE
Take a step.Do something you love.Set a goal.Think of what you want( not what you don’t want).Do something everyday towards your goal.Anything is better than nothing.
For me, writing is energizing and empowering.Sometimes I think ” who is reading this? how can it matter?”Then again, it’s something.Something Real.I am bearing witness to my truth.That is important AND significant.So many times I read something or watch a movie and think, ” this isn’t real.who does this speak to? not me.” Maybe what I write can speak to someone else.
I haven’t written in a while but your going to be hearing a lot from me.For the moment you, dear readers, are going to be my stand in for a life coach.
Being done with a race can be a bit of a let down.I fondly remember the training days as well as the race day and it is something I feel a slight ache for.I WILL do it again, though not next week or anything.
I am reminded of what another spectator sign said,” If a marathon was easy it would be called YOUR MOM”