As I write this, it’s Christmas and we are closing in on the last days of 2018.
My desires and expectations for the coming new year are more focused than in previous ones.There is a certain clarity of purpose as well as a quiet determination that says to me, “ Yes, I am going to do it this year.This year will be different.” This could easily be the result of a fast approaching milestone birthday coming up in February. Although I am not one to put much thought into a number, I must admit that this one is a little intimidating.
On the surface, my life does not appear to be exciting or successful.I have very few, if any, accolades or achievements and even less in the way of material possessions.However, in the last 2 to 3 years I have taken the time to cultivate a more satisfying inner landscape.
What does that mean ?
Hmmm….where do I begin.
I think that somewhere along the line, it started with aligning myself with some core beliefs.
I am more valuable than money.
Life is not about having a bunch of “stuff ” (although I do like stuff, I can’t deny.)
I am more than what I do or have.
This, consequently, resulted in letting go of some situations and relationships that were chaotic, combative, and draining. Once I stopped being continually sabotaged and giving my energy where it wasn’t wanted, I could see a clearer picture of who I am and what I need to be doing.This was not an easy task and it came at a price but it was well worth it.
Now the real work begins.
This means adopting an ” attitude of gratitude “.
This shift in perception requires discipline, especially during stressful times.I can honestly say, now, that I am grateful to have the simple things like a peaceful home, a warm bed, and food to eat.
This means being an impartial observer of my own attitudes and beliefs, accepting and processing my feelings, calling myself out on my own B.S., recognizing my own prejudices while, at the same time, not being too hard on myself.
Being more present, more mindful, more conscious…….
Yada, yada, yada.
Blah, blah, blah.
I am aware of how flimsy that all sounds.
You would think with all this precious self awareness I would be on top of my game but I still don’t always follow through as expected.Things don’t go as planned either because of my negligence or some circumstance beyond my control.
The other night, my husband and I played a show that I, for one, felt less than prepared for.We have both have been working more than usual and our practice time was limited.
We were to follow the lovely Tiffany Harmon who kindly invited us to play her Sunday night show at The Ghost River Brewery. When we loaded in, she was already playing .Her performance was smooth and professional with beautiful singing, strong playing, and a lively banter with the audience.
I felt discouraged, like, ” who am I kidding?”
I made a conscious decision to stay focused and positive, in spite of how I was feeling.When we got up to play, I looked out at the people, the audience, and sought to connect with them on some level.
Then, I had a realization.
There is something to be said for showing up as you are, in that moment, and giving everything you’ve got, even if you don’t think it’s enough.The idea that it has to be perfect is bogus.It has to be real, heartfelt, and meaningful.Most importantly, it has to BE THERE, not just in theory, but in reality.
There are some days where the best you can do is just show up and give what you have that day.That’s what I did and although it was flawed, I was satisfied with the results, for that moment, for that day.
I have important goals, high hopes, and big plans for 2019.I do realize that, in spite of our best efforts, life happens. John Lennon once said, ” Life happens when you’re busy making plans “. How right he was!
LIFE is the necessary ingredient and showing up for life is essential.
Here’s to more life in 2019.