Living in the Balance

My life is messy right now.Well okay, It’s always a little messy without a doubt.It seems my life gets particularly messy when I am moving forward.I have decided to explore this as a lesson in patience and acceptance.Things get messy.Life gets messy.Perhaps messy is a necessary step towards progress.

Just before I sat down to right this, I shut the door to my spare room.My husband was in the back of the house working on electronic music with a friend.The dogs are restless.I call out to my husband, “Have the dogs been out?” He responds, “Beulah has.” Good, or so I thought. Beulah is our relatively “new” dog.She is a curious Boxer adopted from the local shelter and barely a year old.My husband doesn’t like to admit it but she is the apple is his eye and she expects him to give her his undivided attention at all times. Beulah decided to protest this by urinating right outside my door.Needless to say I was “pissed”, no pun intended, but I dutifully cleaned it up and got back to the page.

Life is lived in the present.The treasure is in the moment.All the wisdom and provision we need is available to us right now for right now if we take the time to recognize it.This is an adjustment but I am learning to view it this way.I realize that I have tried to shut down my creativity at various times in favor of efficiency and organization ( this is not to say that I am very efficient or organized).At some point after childhood, I chose to believe a message that my creativity was not as valuable as what could only be called a ” functional human being”.You know what I mean.The kind that pays their bills, does the dishes and laundry, keeps their commitments, takes care of their health, communicates properly, looks good, and works well and cares about others.

So what’s wrong with that?

Actually, nothing really.I don’t want to be an artistic genius if it means I have to be some kind of unstable, abusive, and inconsiderate slob.Nevertheless, as much as I have tried to be the opposite of that I am sure I have exhibited some of those qualities at one time or another.We all have.The question is whether or not we can allow for creative inspiration and expression and still live a stable life. Does it have to be one or the other? I think the answer is obvious but sometimes the answer is not as important as the question.The question can be laying dormant beneath the surface of our life waiting to be asked.

Writing this has caused me to acknowledge my fear of letting things get messy.The truth is messy can be cleaned up.It can be a temporary distraction and or nuisance but it is not forever.In fact, I have cleaned up some mess and handled some crises in my time.Unlike Little Edie in the movie “Grey Gardens”, I haven’t been feeding raccoons in my attic and letting them destroy the walls of my house.I do think Little Edie was pretty cool though.

Come to think of it, I may need to watch that movie again.

So I went to a couple animal shelters today ( finally) to look for a second dog.My husband and I put our Jasper ( sweet boy…) to sleep after he suddenly became deathly ill.He was 12, maybe 13, I don’t know.He was a rescue.All my animals were and are rescues.I can remember watching the Slade movie”Flame” on YouTube the day before he died and thinking something was terribly wrong.I never thought he would leave us so soon.

Janet seems to be the last dog standing as it were.She, at times, seems content enough but I wonder if she is lonely for some canine companionship.The cats aren’t cutting it.She follows me into every room when I am home.

I looked up Memphis Animal Services on line.Unfortunately they have some scathing reviews, to say the least.Most comments call for firing each and every one of their employees.I realize that going to a municipal animal shelter can be a frustrating experience.Nevertheless I remembered what a friend had once emphatically told me.”Go,” he said, “Rescue an animal.” I intended to do just that.

When I got to the shelter, it was about what I expected with a thin veneer of civility.The man who took me to see the adoptable dogs seemed annoyed that I wanted to visit with more than one dog that day.Of course, most are shaking their cages saying “take me,take me!!” Then when the are taken out of the cage they can hardly control themselves.I could understand how desperate they were.I couldn’t make a decision right then and there.I would have to talk to my husband.I vowed to look at some of their pictures on line and talk it over with him.

Next stop was The Humane Society.Their facility was a little more airy and relaxed than the shelter.There were outdoor playgrounds and cheerful volunteers taking dogs out for visits.I talked to a staff member about what I was looking for and he seemed attentive.I would have to get Janet updated on her shots, though.All and all the situation seemed, for lack of a better word, more humane.

As I drove home in the warm afternoon sun I came to the conclusion that this was going to be a process.It was clearly a process I had been avoiding for the last 11 months.I had a lump in my throat and a heavy heart.I thought about work matters, conflicts, and various things that had nothing to do with adopting a dog.I resented having to deal with this.It was very similar to the process of buying a car or finding a place to live but with so much more sadness and grief somehow.I realized the passage of time.I also saw how I had loved and lost and I felt very alone at this moment without knowing how to stop feeling this pain.

that was it….ground zero

This wasn’t about finding the right dog or supporting the right shelter.It was about the emotion I was trying to avoid feeling.I was at an impasse of some sort.To quote the lyrics of one of my own songs,”this is where the page turns,this is where the bridge burns..” It is not that unusual, believe it or not, to hear words you have written echo through the circumstances of your life.Needless to say, at this moment I wasn’t digging it.

When I got home, Janet was laying quietly on the couch.I freely extended my hand and said, “I met some other dogs today.” I was waiting for a reaction.She just remained her docile dog self.I was comfortable the way things were.Why couldn’t it just stay like this? Somehow I knew it couldn’t and there was no use trying to hold on.

For the moment,I took a breath and just paused to appreciate things as they were.

Living in the Balance

Messy

Animal Shelter Reality Check

Bandcamp